I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i would punch a child for taco bell
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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