your parents love me but you hate me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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