Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
