I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
