last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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