What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I love you. Go after that dick
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
