GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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