i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Randomize
