Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
