She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
