After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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