apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
