The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize