I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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