On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I met the friendliest cop last night
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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