MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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