i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My penis needs a shock collar
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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