so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
