I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
