Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
