You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My ass is underappreciated
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
