I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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