the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize