I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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