I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
