The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
