He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
