I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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