gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
