I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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