Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
