I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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