The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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