she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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