He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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