Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
