Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
