Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
