when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
