Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
