I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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