we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
