i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
