I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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