Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
