I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
