Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
