omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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