This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
