Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
