I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
