have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
