So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
