If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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