Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
