Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
