So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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