This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
