I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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