It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
