so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
