I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
