Betty ford says i'm here all night
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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